Have you ever grieved someone who is still living; feeling your heart break like glass with each memory? The last few days, I have. I've experienced the pain of losing a friend and actually feeling the loss. I've experienced talking to a friend I haven't talked to in awhile and allowing myself to feel the joy. I've also had experience of realizing how far out my darkness I have come.
I realize how much I've come out because I realize that maybe it's not the fact that I was "faking" happiness, smiles, and laughter. Maybe they were real. It was me not allowing myself to be in the moment and feel the motions. I was just numb to my emotions. Now, I know some of you won't understand that, so let me try to explain the best way I've found how. Think about the numb feeling when your foot falls asleep. Now, imagine you're putting it onto the floor to stand up and walk. It hurts, right? Well, that numbness is how I used to be and now, I'm feeling that pain from not allowing myself to feel for so long.
With that said, I want to take the time to explain to everyone why it is so important to tell your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. I want to start with any negative emotion, even anger. If someone makes you upset in anyway, try to calmly tell them how they've upset you. Explain to them how it makes you feel that way, maybe it's something they can fix, maybe it's something you can work on together. Especially if that person is a friend. Sadness, is a little more difficult, at least it has been for me. When I'm upset about something, I hold it in and I cry to myself at home, but I've found that if you allow yourself to shed tears there are people who care and who will try to help. I've learned that they can't help if you don't allow them to and I've learned that a lot of the people I thought didn't care actually do.
Next, let's talk about happiness. I've always been known as "bubbly," but I don't think I ever actually allowed myself to actually FEEL my happiness after Pawpaw passed away. I know now how big of a mistake that was. People need to know when you're happy. I've learned that when people don't think or know you're happy, they take you as cold, distant, boring, and so many other things. Expressing happiness is just as important as sadness or anger.
Lastly, let's talk about expressing yourself. All of the times I went out with friends, I always felt as if they were doing it out feeling sorry for me. In reality, they maybe actually wanted to hang out. However, I didn't really allow myself to be fully in their conversations and when they asked questions I always answered with short answers. Truth is, I wanted to tell them about new Ryan Sheffield art or a book I read, or the fact I wrote seven poems today. Which I did by the way. I just get scared that it's going to be stupid or they're not going to care. I've learned that if someone is willing to give you another chance or even go out and eat with you and ask questions then they want to know. They want you to express yourself. After all, where would any of us be if people didn't tell their ideas and passions?
The thing is, always express who you are. Always let people know you care about them and always let your friends know they are treasured. Because I've mistakenly let some amazing friends walk out of my life and you never know when their or even your last day is.
