9:47 PM- Monday, September 18, 2023
I've always believed that there's a god. Even when I wanted to doubt it was never really a doubt. When my parents argued and our family was at the edge of not existing, I shouted "this is not God's way" and carried the bible. "This is not how God wanted it" I would say. After all, why would He allow my daddy to choose us over drugs if He didn't want us to be a family, and why would He keep my mama alive during the times that next to nothing was known about diabetes as she was in and out of hospitals if it weren't to have me and marry my daddy and us be a family? When my great-grandmother was sick I would pray as to her not to suffer and be in Heaven with God. I would talk of the great experiences she'd have and how angels would surround her. Because after all, it's God's plan.
But how is it God's plan that the little girl that would preach to her parents about them not being together isn't a part of His plan and how anyone passing away is His plan, how can he allow her to lose four grandparents four years in a row? How can His plan consist of one of them being her hero and allow her to feel her heart being torn out of her? How can His plan be her going into depression and develop severe anxiety and slit her wrists and thighs?
I've wanted to die. Commit suicide because of all the weight and pain that's on my shoulders. But that's a sin, right? Some religions even say you go straight to hell. I want to be with my grandpa. I want to be with God. I want to be away from a world that's so full of hate. A world that's Godless. I want to be in Heaven where there are no tears or fears of being shot walking into a store or driving down the road. Where the streets are gold and angels sing. But my death is on God's time. And I've decided that until then, I will praise Him. I am protected by Him. And no matter what His plan holds for me, I will continue to always love Him.
