Special

When I was little I always heard how special I was but when I got to high school all I heard was that no one is special because of how everyone is different. I never understood why, but I never believed that. Now, that I’m older and have discovered a little bit of who I am, I know that reason. 

We are all different; that cannot be denied. So, how do each of us qualify as “special?” Simply because of our passions and experiences. 

We all have separate sets of passions. For example, mine are: writing, horror, books, Craft Fair Games, Disney, and so many more things. Nobody in the world will have every single one of the same passions. They may have some in common but not every little thing. 

Something I’ve definitely been able to notice is how people have different experiences even with the same event. An example I can use is when my grandpa, Pawpaw, passed away. I dealt with things differently than the way my other family members had. I am still dealing with them differently. At first, I wrote him letters and I turned to self-harm, but then I found Craft Fair Games and started writing more. My brother, however, turned to photography. We both dealt with the same pain and event but in the end two different solutions. 

Everyone IS special. Are you a daughter, son, mother, father, best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.? Yeah, I thought so. You hold  specific place in their hearts. Meaning you are special to them. Maybe not to the world, but to them yes. Why does anything else matter?

My point is, just because we are all different somewhere, somehow you’ve met or will meet someone and you will impact their life so greatly that they’ll think you’re special, because in reality, you are. 

The Weight of My Weight

I've never really seen myself as "fat" until I finally went to the doctor of missed periods. No, I'm not pregnant and I'm also not going to shy away from this conversation any longer. Anyways, after a bunch of tests the doctor finally diagnosed me as having PCOS. I'm not going to talk that, but it leads me to what he said next. He told me it would help if I lost weight. I had known for awhile that I fell under "obese," but after actually hearing it from a doctor I trusted, it really set in.

I got home and it was like an immediate fear and hatred of food. I started skipping breakfast, a lot of times lunch, but when dinner came around, I binge ate. That cycle went on for a few months until something was added. My binge eating makes me feel disgusting and I find myself in the bathroom with my fingers down my throat because of fear and guilt.

I now this is a cycle I need to stop, but the Instagram models and pretty celebrities aren't fat. I find myself scrolling through their feeds even when I say I'm not going to. When I do finally see one that's "fat" the first comments are shaming them. There is not winning when it comes to body image.

The comments always lay heavy on my mind. I know that it doesn't attack me personally, but it does my body type. I'm not saying this for compliments or anything, but I want everyone to be aware of eating disorders and body image comments. It really "weighs" on a person and the more I've looked through comments on peoples' Instagram's, I've noticed that even the skinny, beautiful humans negative body image comments flood in. When will this weight of our weight be lifted? We live in a world where beauty doesn't exist but yet it's fought for.