Healthy Has Flaws

I look at these pictures and all I see is how big I am. My big arms, double chin, round belly stare back at me like a carnival mirror. But that's all it is. These pictures to me are a carnival mirror. Yes, I could lose weight, and yes, it is difficult but it wouldn't be as bad if I would get up and actually do something. I know this. I know that putting effort into something is the key to succeeding but I also know I was diagnosed with PCOS. Just like my cousin, just like a lot of women in the world. That being said, I know that if I try to lose weight I could end up gaining more or it wouldn't be as effective as I'd like. 

Putting that diagnoses and losing weight  aside, let's talk about this specific trip. On the way down, I wasn't  thinking about how I looked in that dress nor was I thinking about how I'd look in the bathing suit. All I could think about was that I was going to the beach with my parents, brother, and sister in law. A trip I had wanted to take for a long time. Yes, I had went to the beach when I was little, but this time I was going to be able to remember it. 

When I look back at the pictures I am disgusted, but why? Look at my smile. Look at their smiles. Why am I now so consumed with how I looked then? I was 7 months clean of self harm when those pictures were taken. I was with my family at a place I've always wanted to go. My image of myself is lying to me. Just like it is you.

So, I am now, going to look at these pictures in another way. There I stand at the edge of the ocean with my sister in law and my mother. My back towards the ocean and where the sky meets it. Smiling at the camera. That smile can tell you so many random facts and those hands can write you many poems. My body? It has taken me down to the ocean. It has picked up seashells and built sandcastles. It let me eat delicious seafood and make memories. 

Our bodies are so much more than what we see in the mirror or in pictures. Our bodies are our sanctuaries and are our way of creating and doing things and seeing and feeling the world. Even "healthy looking" bodies have beautiful, perfect flaws.