Healthy Has Flaws

I look at these pictures and all I see is how big I am. My big arms, double chin, round belly stare back at me like a carnival mirror. But that's all it is. These pictures to me are a carnival mirror. Yes, I could lose weight, and yes, it is difficult but it wouldn't be as bad if I would get up and actually do something. I know this. I know that putting effort into something is the key to succeeding but I also know I was diagnosed with PCOS. Just like my cousin, just like a lot of women in the world. That being said, I know that if I try to lose weight I could end up gaining more or it wouldn't be as effective as I'd like. 

Putting that diagnoses and losing weight  aside, let's talk about this specific trip. On the way down, I wasn't  thinking about how I looked in that dress nor was I thinking about how I'd look in the bathing suit. All I could think about was that I was going to the beach with my parents, brother, and sister in law. A trip I had wanted to take for a long time. Yes, I had went to the beach when I was little, but this time I was going to be able to remember it. 

When I look back at the pictures I am disgusted, but why? Look at my smile. Look at their smiles. Why am I now so consumed with how I looked then? I was 7 months clean of self harm when those pictures were taken. I was with my family at a place I've always wanted to go. My image of myself is lying to me. Just like it is you.

So, I am now, going to look at these pictures in another way. There I stand at the edge of the ocean with my sister in law and my mother. My back towards the ocean and where the sky meets it. Smiling at the camera. That smile can tell you so many random facts and those hands can write you many poems. My body? It has taken me down to the ocean. It has picked up seashells and built sandcastles. It let me eat delicious seafood and make memories. 

Our bodies are so much more than what we see in the mirror or in pictures. Our bodies are our sanctuaries and are our way of creating and doing things and seeing and feeling the world. Even "healthy looking" bodies have beautiful, perfect flaws. 

2011 Me: A Letter

 Dear me,

    Today you starting your first year of high school. It's not going to be bad today, but I'd like to give you advice that I wish I had known or events I wish I had known about when I was you. These four things will not only help you in school, but life itself.

    One: If you don't understand something, ASK. You're probably not the only one who is confused. There are literally no stupid questions. Even if you ask the question and someone does call you dumb for it, you're not. You just don't grasp things as easily as the person who said something. However, you will be the braver one. Because instead of putting someone down for not understanding something (which I'm sure they've not understood something either), you spoke up and not only helped yourself, but maybe to more shy classmate in the back of the class.    

    Two: On October 29th, your world will change. You know it was already changing, but this day things change as if it were a TV show. On October 31st, yes, Halloween, Pawpaw will be buried. Your hero. My hero. Our hero. He has cancer and has been hiding it. You will be crushed. You feel as if the life has been taken out of you and you MUST let that show. You must show your emotions. Feel them. It's okay. You do not have to be the strong one. You are the youngest, but you are not the strongest one. None of you, us, are the "strongest" one. 

    Three: Join clubs, speak to people, even the so-called popular crowd. I promise you, even though we didn't listen to Mommy about this, it's true that the "popular crowd" are just like you. They have insecurities, they have battles within themselves that they tell no one about. They're just trying to make it through high school, through life, just as you are. Being popular means nothing, but being yourself and showing who you are is everything.

    Four: It's not high school you miss, it's the memories you made and could have made that you miss. What would have happened if you did join a club or spoke to more people? It's seeing your classmates laughing in the halls with their friends to their inside jokes. It's the pep rallies where all grades are gathered and you get to see generations coming together. It's the dance you don't go to or the one you do. It's the smile of your favorite teacher. 

    You'll still learn a lot after graduating. You'll laugh and cry, even laugh until you cry. Just make a promise to remember the people who grew up with you. 

Sincerely,

You (MSHS 2015 graduate)