A Second Chance

Before Pawpaw passed away I had God in my heart even when we weren't going to church. I was raised knowing what it's like walking in faith. That feeling grew when we started attending church every Sunday and Wednesday and even more when I accepted Christ as my savior. The weight of the world was off my shoulders. I was seeing so clearly. However, when I lost Pawpaw, that weight was back even heavier.

As everyone knows by now, I started self harming and eventually turned to alcohol. My back was turned against the light of God. I questioned my faith and questioned that there has to be more. After all, what loving God, loving father, would let His child hurt so much? I still ask this question, but I know the answer. He gives us trials to make us stronger, emotionally, but more importantly spiritually. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle.

As I'm walking down my path in God's light once again, I feel that weight lifting off. I will have my ups and downs, but my faith will remain. I even gave two friends a second chance, but I could hear God speak to me through my emotions and the words that were said, or rather unsaid. Every time I brought God up, I could feel tension and walls being put up. Those walls were on their side. I kept trying, but I got nowhere. I would have talked about God's grace and His word and just how great he is, but their walls kept coming between them and me, so to speak. I made the decision to say goodbye. Not because I don't want to be friends, but because I don't want people around me who I feel will put me back into questioning my faith.

I've seen my life with and without God. I've also seen my life with and "without" people to talk to. Now, I see my life as it truly is and truly should be. It's not a perfect life and I will have struggles, but I have God AND I do have people around me who care and who are here; who are proud of me for fighting my demons, for finding my faith. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing because I know God gave me MY second chance and I'm not giving that up.

Into the Darkness and Back

Seven years ago my family lost a very important part of it. We lost a husband, daddy, pawpaw (what I called him). When he passed away our world crashed. Mine, completely fell apart. I hid the emotions the could but anger always seemed to slip out. I pushed away the few friends I had and I pushed away my family as a result of that. 

I let my hurt win. I turned my back on God. He was the one who took my hero away from me. He was the one who let me fall. Who hurt me and left me alone to face the world. I didn't care about anything else. Everything turned black and white. The color in the world was gone.

I started looking for more. More to life, to nature, to even God. I couldn't believe that one man done everything. Controlled everything. The only I didn't look for more of, is my emotions. Instead, I became numb. I lost my goals, my dreams, my everything. I lost what I supposed to be doing, what I was supposed to feel, and I lost who I was. I started cutting myself to feel anything. To see the color of blood. It was the only color I seemed to be able to see. 

Once I was out on my own and I made a few new friends, I started feeling everything at once. My depression and anxiety became obvious to me. I still cut. I still found distractions from the emotions I was feeling because I had gotten so used to feeling nothing but the burning of my cuts. Then I turned 21. The beginning of the alcohol numbness. I started to drinking on just the weekends, but then I wanted more and more. Even though I would still cry and get upset when I was drunk, I still wanted alcohol because I couldn't remember it until my friends told me the next morning. I didn't care due to the fact I wasn't actually feeling the emotions. The cutting became worse when I was drunk. I had become so reliant on cutting and alcohol.

The event I talked about in the last blog post and video happened and it was like the walls I had built were suddenly knocked down by an invisible source. My heart was wide open. In that moment, it was as if God's voice was reassuring me that He was still with me and that I needed to follow back into my faith. So, instead of ignoring the signs, this time, I listened to that voice. I talked to one of the friends I was with about I felt about everything. However, it didn't exactly go the way I planned. I know I talked about this in my last post but it is important to this story. Anyways, they had said that I was controlling and some other stuff. Those friends are no longer in my life. Ever since, I've been focusing on my family, myself, and God.

I soon realized that my faith disappeared when Pawpaw passed away. I was hurting and instead of clinging to the cross, I turned my back on it. I turned my back on the one thing that would have truly helped in that moment. When I was helping my grandmother move into her new apartment, I happened to glance down and I saw a little, silver cross lying in the floor of the almost empty living room. I was standing in the exact spot I was when my parents and I had gotten there seven years before when the hospital was rolling my pawpaw out. The same little cross I had given my pawpaw years before. I knew then, that I was finally finding my faith again and that I was finally making a right decision. 

I kept thinking about it and the more I though the more I noticed how I kept feeling less and less lonely. I then realized that God didn't really take Pawpaw away. He gave my family and I a way to always be near him.

You see, our memories are still here and Pawpaw's love is as well. Maybe if we're quiet and still enough we can hear his voice in the wind or feel his touch. Because now, he can be with us where ever we go, spiritually.

I also realized that even when I feel lonely, I'm not. I have God next to me and I have my family. They've been here the entire time. And I know that my family's love nor God's will ever fade away. 

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Click here to read my previous post and catch up.

Healing

I was told a while ago that when I start bettering myself, I will lose people. I finally see what that person meant because I have done just that. Events of the night before I lost some friends, opened my eyes. They opened my eyes to what I really needed. I realized that I didn't need to heal just mentally but also spiritually. I needed to heal my faith.

Those events happened less than a week ago of writing these words, but I can still feel a HUGE difference inside of me. I feel more at peace. I feel more happy. With these new emotions, I feel I also must do other things. Some more personal than others, but the first thing I feel I must do is...forgive.

I forgive any friends that have left. Especially the recent ones. I don't forgive you because you've asked for it; I forgive you because maybe you will start healing yourself.

I forgive anyone who has ever said or done anything that has hurt. Even if you have purposely hurt me, I still forgive you.

I forgive myself for turning my back on God and forgetting He is the only way to true happiness in my life. I forgive myself for all the scars left on my body and I forgive myself for every self-destructive act and thought.

The second thing I feel I must do is...give thanks. I thank those friends for the memories and for helping me with my growth. I thank my family for staying next to me and for trying to understand where I was. I thank myself for finally seeing the truth. I thank Craft Fair Games for helping me begin this journey.

I thank God, most of all. His hand was and is always there reaching through the darkness. He is the one that brought me to the friends and He gave me my family. He led me to Craft Fair Games which helped me get back into the things I love like writing and horror. He gave me my dog who I love so dearly.

Most importantly, He gave me and all of us, His son to die for our sins. He gave us our eternal life. I thank God for every experience. Even the hardships because they've made me stronger. Now, I'm ready to be back in His light and help it spread to every inch of darkness.

Link to YouTube video:https://youtu.be/OfGDFJlaUXc

Blood and Bottles

There is no denying that pain can make us do some things.

Whether it be to having breakdowns to drugs. I chose self-harming.

To be more specific, cutting. I have been open about it in the past,

but there is one thing I have not been open about.

Something more recent than cuts. Alcohol.

I’ve said in another post that I have stopped cutting. It has been

three weeks since the last time I cut, possibly a little longer.

However, my story doesn’t stop there. Like I said above,

I still run to the distraction of alcohol. Yes, when I sober up the

pain is still there, but this story still has a twist.

When I’m drunk, I get depressed and have emotional breakdowns.

I’ve even been known to self-harm during the breakdowns as well.

Thankfully, that hasn’t happened in a while.

I talk about all my problems and how I truly feel about them.

I open up about things I would never do while I’m sober.

The next day, I don’t really remember everything I have said.

I have become so reliant on all the things that just distract me

from everything. In reality, those problems are still there.

I am learning to trust my heart when it says I shouldn't do something.

I am also learning to trust my family and friends when they

say they care. I know it’s not going to be an easy path, but it’s a

path I am going to walk up. It’s a path I’m willing to, because

I know if I don’t I could lose everything that matters

the most to me.