I let my hurt win. I turned my back on God. He was the one who took my hero away from me. He was the one who let me fall. Who hurt me and left me alone to face the world. I didn't care about anything else. Everything turned black and white. The color in the world was gone.
I started looking for more. More to life, to nature, to even God. I couldn't believe that one man done everything. Controlled everything. The only I didn't look for more of, is my emotions. Instead, I became numb. I lost my goals, my dreams, my everything. I lost what I supposed to be doing, what I was supposed to feel, and I lost who I was. I started cutting myself to feel anything. To see the color of blood. It was the only color I seemed to be able to see.
Once I was out on my own and I made a few new friends, I started feeling everything at once. My depression and anxiety became obvious to me. I still cut. I still found distractions from the emotions I was feeling because I had gotten so used to feeling nothing but the burning of my cuts. Then I turned 21. The beginning of the alcohol numbness. I started to drinking on just the weekends, but then I wanted more and more. Even though I would still cry and get upset when I was drunk, I still wanted alcohol because I couldn't remember it until my friends told me the next morning. I didn't care due to the fact I wasn't actually feeling the emotions. The cutting became worse when I was drunk. I had become so reliant on cutting and alcohol.
The event I talked about in the last blog post and video happened and it was like the walls I had built were suddenly knocked down by an invisible source. My heart was wide open. In that moment, it was as if God's voice was reassuring me that He was still with me and that I needed to follow back into my faith. So, instead of ignoring the signs, this time, I listened to that voice. I talked to one of the friends I was with about I felt about everything. However, it didn't exactly go the way I planned. I know I talked about this in my last post but it is important to this story. Anyways, they had said that I was controlling and some other stuff. Those friends are no longer in my life. Ever since, I've been focusing on my family, myself, and God.
I soon realized that my faith disappeared when Pawpaw passed away. I was hurting and instead of clinging to the cross, I turned my back on it. I turned my back on the one thing that would have truly helped in that moment. When I was helping my grandmother move into her new apartment, I happened to glance down and I saw a little, silver cross lying in the floor of the almost empty living room. I was standing in the exact spot I was when my parents and I had gotten there seven years before when the hospital was rolling my pawpaw out. The same little cross I had given my pawpaw years before. I knew then, that I was finally finding my faith again and that I was finally making a right decision.
I kept thinking about it and the more I though the more I noticed how I kept feeling less and less lonely. I then realized that God didn't really take Pawpaw away. He gave my family and I a way to always be near him.
You see, our memories are still here and Pawpaw's love is as well. Maybe if we're quiet and still enough we can hear his voice in the wind or feel his touch. Because now, he can be with us where ever we go, spiritually.
I also realized that even when I feel lonely, I'm not. I have God next to me and I have my family. They've been here the entire time. And I know that my family's love nor God's will ever fade away.
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