Forgave and Forgiven

I was taught to forgive, but to never forget. I always thought that was a stupid lesson. Why would I forgive someone that had lied to me? That's broken a promise? I never really understood it until recently when I started feeling my emotions. When I started to follow my head, my heart, my faith.

I thought and thought (basically all I do when I'm alone) about everything so much the anger burned inside me like a raging volcano. I couldn't take it anymore. I prayed; God didn't seem to be listening. I tried my own ways to forget. Those ways consisted of drinking and buying "legal weed" (old  friend called it that) with money I NEEDED to save to fit in with a friend group I never actually felt like I belonged in. I thought that if I at least felt like I belonged the other stuff didn't matter. None of it helped. All that anger was still there. It still existed and when those friends and I walked away from each other, that anger hit all at once.

For all of January I wanted everything to end. I was hurting. On February 12th, I threw away all my blades. The next day, I started to praying harder than I ever had. I started flipping through my bible. Not really reading it, but feeling it in my hands. The feel of the leather, the delicate pages I flipped, it felt right.

March came along and I started following accounts on Instagram that are for self-care. I even followed a few accounts that are Christian based. I then found myself at the Christian book rack at Walmart. I bought two books. One for devotionals and one for bible study. I never really done anything with them at that point, but I had them. That counts, right?

The answer to that: NO! I needed to put in the work. April 12th came along and that makes me two months clean. Today, I have ZERO cuts on my body. I am working on my relationship with God. I've come to terms with the fact Pawpaw is dead. I've forgiven my family. Now, I realize that He (God) has forgiven me for the most insane, terrible things I have done, no done, said, and even thought, why can I not forgive those friends?

So, today, I would like to do that. To every friend that I have FELT, has hurt me in some way or another, I forgive you. It's not for you, and it sounds selfish, but it's for me. It's so I can let go of my anger. And maybe just maybe, we can let bygones be bygones. Everything that HAS happened up to this point is the past; even if our parting is as recent as this year. I forgive you. I am forgiven and now I have forgave.