Grief & Guilt

Today, this week, was full of so many blessings and naturally I wanted to tell Pawpaw about it. I started grieving over him once again. I was looking through my scrapbook and in that moment, I realized I wasn’t crying because I missed him. I do miss him, but I was crying because of my guilt over him passing. 

My guilt of blaming my family for leaving me alone at his funeral. For letting me grieve him by myself. But in reality, I am the one who pushed them away. I could have went to them at any moment and said “Hey, can we talk about Pawpaw?” and I can’t think of a single one who would have said no. I could have, no, should have, jumped in at any moment with my own memory when my family was talking about him. 

I feel guilty because I turned my back on God after Pawpaw passed away. After all, He’s the one who took Pawpaw away from meBut also, I know that’s not technically true. Yes, God says when it’s someone’s time to go, but God didn’t TAKE Pawpaw away from ME. He let Pawpaw cross over to Heaven because God knew Pawpaw wouldn’t want to see the world the way it is today and maybe he saved Pawpaw from more pain that the cancer would have given him; only God knows that. 

Back to my family guilt, even though I kept saying “I know I’m not the only one grieving” in all honesty, I thought I was/am. Because I wasn’t the only one who lost him. Now, I know...I understand that’s not true at all. We’re all just on different paths of grief and life in general. 

With all of this said, I know I am the one who has to make peace with this. I know I am the one who has to ask God to forgive me for turning my back on Him and blaming Him for my selfishness. I know I have to answer to the truth coming out. But I am ready and now, I am making a public apology to all of my family. Because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how to word it any other way because I’m still trying. 

So, to my entire family: I am so sorry I put blame on you. I truly know you were/are grieving an important person that WE have lost. I know I have been selfish, I have been unforgivably hateful and so many other things. But please know, I am trying and remember what I’ve just learned: Pawpaw isn’t here physically but he’s always here through OUR memories and the love he left us. 

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Dear God,

I have blamed my family. I have blamed you for my own selfishness. For my own hurt. Please forgive me for this. I know everything is in your time and your way. Please keep reminding me of this. And thank you for reminding me that one persons hurt doesn’t make another’s less. We’re just different at expressing things. 

—Amen—