The Weight of My Weight

I've never really seen myself as "fat" until I finally went to the doctor of missed periods. No, I'm not pregnant and I'm also not going to shy away from this conversation any longer. Anyways, after a bunch of tests the doctor finally diagnosed me as having PCOS. I'm not going to talk that, but it leads me to what he said next. He told me it would help if I lost weight. I had known for awhile that I fell under "obese," but after actually hearing it from a doctor I trusted, it really set in.

I got home and it was like an immediate fear and hatred of food. I started skipping breakfast, a lot of times lunch, but when dinner came around, I binge ate. That cycle went on for a few months until something was added. My binge eating makes me feel disgusting and I find myself in the bathroom with my fingers down my throat because of fear and guilt.

I now this is a cycle I need to stop, but the Instagram models and pretty celebrities aren't fat. I find myself scrolling through their feeds even when I say I'm not going to. When I do finally see one that's "fat" the first comments are shaming them. There is not winning when it comes to body image.

The comments always lay heavy on my mind. I know that it doesn't attack me personally, but it does my body type. I'm not saying this for compliments or anything, but I want everyone to be aware of eating disorders and body image comments. It really "weighs" on a person and the more I've looked through comments on peoples' Instagram's, I've noticed that even the skinny, beautiful humans negative body image comments flood in. When will this weight of our weight be lifted? We live in a world where beauty doesn't exist but yet it's fought for.

He died this month...

He died this month; we buried him on Halloween.  I know it’s been almost 8 years and it sounds ridiculous, which is why I don’t talk about it. Because why should I still talk about how angry I am for him dying so many years ago when somebody died before I even finished typing this. 

But that doesn’t make my pain any less valid. And people telling me stuff like that doesn’t help and that’s all any says. 

“Oh he woulda wanted you to be happy” “oh don’t think of it like that” “oh just move on” 

Well, try losing someone, the only person you felt you had, and living your life in a lie and pretending like you were okay, even at his funeral. Because everyone else in the family had someone but the person I usually had when something devastating happened was the one laying in the casket. 

Try every single day faking a smile to please your family. Even now, I fake a smile some days, most days. Especially in October. 

Try leaning on artwork by an artist over a 1,000 miles away because they remind you of a children’s book you and your cousins and brother read and because they are the only thing you feel like you have now. Try then leaning on podcasts by said artist and his friend that tells of horror stories with history involved because they remind you of the ones your dead grandfather used to tell. 

Try finding every way necessary to even keep yourself alive and stop yourself from cutting or even drinking more than a few drinks of alcohol. Try hiding behind “I’m fine”s. Try not feeling a damn thing in situations you should be upset in, but yet feeling everything in the ones you shouldn’t be upset in. 

Try cuddling with your dog and randomly crying because he won’t get to see her. Try having said dog lick the tears the won’t stop flooding your cheeks. Try staying awake at trying to remember the good time, yet failing and finally the tears stop at 4:00 in the morning. 

Try hearing “you haven’t grieved” or “you’re still grieving” well guess what? There’s not a freaking how to book on it. It’s not like there’s technically dos and don’t s when someone dies. 

And yet you still say, “Remember the happy times” like I haven’t heard that before. That’s why I’m hurting. Because I can’t remember. 

I can’t remember the beach or battleship. I can’t remember some of our trips to Gatlinburg. I can’t remember Disney or fixing s’mores in a hotel room. I can’t remember when they came to visit when we lived in Alabama. 

And it’s getting so damn hard to even remember is voice or his smell.   

No one knows how much I’m holding in, even after saying all of that. Maybe this is just a thing I will fight for the rest of my life....how ironic, right?

As I finish my rant, I want to say DO NOT let anyone tell you how or how long to grieve. DO NOT let anyone tell you that your pain, your life, your healing, your journey, is not valid. Every single one of us has our own stories to tell. Our own legacies to leave. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to write. 

The Color We Bleed

The hard fact is that we live in a world that seems to focus on gender, race, religion, weight, and sexuality. An even harder fact is that this world uses it as a valid excuse to hate and tear everyone down. People only seem to use our differences as a negative factor. However, our differences are a positive factor to new opportunities.

If you would look into a persons eyes, I'm sure you would see the different sparks of emotions. Maybe you would see how the light dances like stars when they talk about a favorite movie or book. Maybe that stranger could see how brightly your eyes shine when you talk about your wife, husband, or kids. You could see how your words of hate hurt the person if you would really look into their eyes. After all, the eyes are windows to the soul.

Sit and speak to a person of a different culture or religion. Let their lips tell of their home and ancestors. Listen to their beliefs of many things and their dreams and hopes. Maybe they'll tell you of their talents or show you. Their words may just turn into a beautiful melody in their native tongue.

Allow the hands of a stranger to show you how to create a beautiful piece of artwork. Maybe one you've never seen or heard of before. Pottery decorated in Chinese lettering and scenery or maybe a dream catcher based of Native American stories.

You see, if you open your heart, instead of only your eyes, you'll see that just because we are different, it does not mean that we're not all the same. In midst of learning about them, you may even learn about yourself. You'll also find that we probably all have the same dreams and hopes for the world. Besides, we all bleed red.

Your Hurt Matters, Too

I’ve been told time and time again that “someone has it worse,” “and you think you’ve had it hard,” and my personal favorite, “everyone has depression.” 

It’s true, everyone is hurting, but no one is fighting their minds exactly the way I am. Not everyone stays awake at night imagining a burglar breaking in and killing their dog. Not everyone is terrified of a bathtub not only because of a gory picture they saw, but because they keep imagining themselves sitting in it with a blood covered body or maybe that one day they’ll be in the shower and giant gob of hair comes out of nowhere even though they’ve constantly cleaned the drain and everything else. Not everyone is imagining themselves going over to their parents house on Sunday and walking in and finding their parents brutally murdered. Not everyone imagines a life where their brother doesn’t care JUST because he hasn’t sent a letter back. Not everyone cleans and cleans their home because of the fact they have these thoughts and they feel dirty and gross because of them. 

I know it sounds scary, gory, also ridiculous, right? But “everyone has it hard.” With all that said, here’s a message to you and everyone who’s hurting.

Don’t let anyone tell you that just because someone may have a worse situation, it means that your pain doesn’t matter. Your pain, your hurt, your ideas, thoughts, and everything that makes you who you are does matter. You do matter. 

Everyone is hurting, but nobody’s pain equals yours and yours doesn’t equal their’s. Nobody’s pain is equal to anybody’s because we all handle things differently. What seems to be a small set back to someone is a big one to someone else and vice-versa. Nobody feels things exactly the same way and everyone is fighting an invisible battle no one else knows about. 

So, if someone opens up to you about something they’re dealing with, don’t point out that “everyone’s hurting” and don’t compare a situation of your own because you “handled it better.” They’re not you and you’re not them. The last time I checked, no one can read minds. 

Dear...

Dear Everyone That Grew Up in A Small Town (Marion, Va):

Whether you were best friends, friends, acquaintances, or even if you never talked to the people you went to school with, be so proud of how far all of you have come. After all, you each have our owns paths and you each have your own destiny, however, you all grew up in the same place at the same time. I find it incredible, amazing, and breathtaking to be able to say that I grew up with other people from a small town. All of them. 

Even if some of us never talk again or even if we never talked in the past, we have all shaped each other in some way. And even though, most of us HATED our school years, we all have to admit that we all have some great memories during them. 

Let’s promise that no matter where we are right now and no matter where we end up, we always remember the place we come from. Whether we dislike some of the people, the town, school, or anything else, we have to say that these things, positive or negative, have shaped who we are and what we stand up for. Each of us have created our own lives based on where we’re from. Whether it be we want to move away or learn how to love the place we come from. 

Our lives began with the same small town, but some of them have ended and will need in different places and times, but we are connected with one place. Let’s not forget that. 

Sincerely,

The One That hated this place,

But now knows it’s where her story started. 

Addiction: Choice or Disease

This is touchy subject to many people and everyone has their own stand point. However, I have two stand points. I understand why people often say how it’s a choice, but some of those people also won’t take the time to maybe see how it’s not. I’m not going to try to change your mind on your decision, but I do want to make you aware of mine and maybe give a different point of view. Now, I’m not going to use fancy quotes or doctorly words, but hear me out. 

When someone first does something to either numb the pain or cause pain, that’s when it’s decision, that’s when it’s a choice, but after awhile of making that “choice” it becomes habit. It becomes a way of life so to speak. So here’s my opinion on all of them. 

I’m going to start with cutting. I know many people say how it’s different from other “addictions” but why doesn’t it fall under the same category? When someone first cuts, they make that decision. I made that decision to feel something. Anything. However, after making the “choice” the first few times, I started to black out whenever I’m under stress and I come to with fresh cuts on my body that I have no idea how they got there, so with that said, how did I make the CHOICE, to do that if I didn’t even remember doing it in the first place and all I saw was literally blackness?

That leads me to alcohol. I also have personal experience with this. The first few times, yes, I made that choice to drink to numb my pain. And you can say what you want about how I’ve cut to feel pain, but unless you’re in my mind you will NEVER understand it. Anyways, but again, after awhile, when I became down or upset, I fuzzed out and bought alcohol, drove home, and woke up with a killer hangover. Did I want to? No, I didn’t, it just happened, so again how did I make that a choice?

I can’t say much on drugs because I don’t have that personal experience, but I’ve had a very close friend and I saw him and heard him talk about his fears and struggles with drugs. He’s since moved away because of the pressure and crap to keep doing them. I can’t say whether or not it’s a choice or disease on his part or anyone’s, but if I’ve had that kind of struggle with cutting and alcohol, I can only imagine with drugs. 

So, is addiction a choice or a disease? I don’t actually know. I know what happens when life, pain, emotions become too much to bear. I know how I struggle and before you come at me with “you need God” and all of this other BS, you cannot begin to imagine where I’ve tried to find my healing from this. You cannot imagine how draining it is to be in battle with your own mind day after day, night after night, but that’s a different post. 

Overall, just respect my choice to say how I feel about it and let me learn to heal the way I need to heal. And also, I’m not saying everyone is like my situation because everyone is different, all I want is for some of you to get off your high horses and look at things a different way instead of judging someone for what they’ve done or are doing. You don’t know their inner struggles so you have no right to even question them about it unless you’re trying to show you generally care by trying to understand where their mind is. Thanks for your time. 

Out of Darkness Emotions

Have you ever grieved someone who is still living; feeling your heart break like glass with each memory? The last few days, I have. I've experienced the pain of losing a friend and actually feeling the loss. I've experienced talking to a friend I haven't talked to in awhile and allowing myself to feel the joy. I've also had experience of realizing how far out my darkness I have come.

I realize how much I've come out because I realize that maybe it's not the fact that I was "faking" happiness, smiles, and laughter. Maybe they were real. It was me not allowing myself to be in the moment and feel the motions. I was just numb to my emotions. Now, I know some of you won't understand that, so let me try to explain the best way I've found how. Think about the numb feeling when your foot falls asleep. Now, imagine you're putting it onto the floor to stand up and walk. It hurts, right? Well, that numbness is how I used to be and now, I'm feeling that pain from not allowing myself to feel for so long.

With that said, I want to take the time to explain to everyone why it is so important to tell your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. I want to start with any negative emotion, even anger. If someone makes you upset in anyway, try to calmly tell them how they've upset you. Explain to them how it makes you feel that way, maybe it's something they can fix, maybe it's something you can work on together. Especially if that person is a friend. Sadness, is a little more difficult, at least it has been for me. When I'm upset about something, I hold it in and I cry to myself at home, but I've found that if you allow yourself to shed tears there are people who care and who will try to help. I've learned that they can't help if you don't allow them to and I've learned that a lot of the people I thought didn't care actually do.

Next, let's talk about happiness. I've always been known as "bubbly," but I don't think I ever actually allowed myself to actually FEEL my happiness after Pawpaw passed away. I know now how big of a mistake that was. People need to know when you're happy. I've learned that when people don't think or know you're happy, they take you as cold, distant, boring, and so many other things. Expressing happiness is just as important as sadness or anger.

Lastly, let's talk about expressing yourself. All of the times I went out with friends, I always felt as if they were doing it out feeling sorry for me. In reality, they maybe actually wanted to hang out. However, I didn't really allow myself to be fully in their conversations and when they asked questions I always answered with short answers. Truth is, I wanted to tell them about new Ryan Sheffield art or a book I read, or the fact I wrote seven poems today. Which I did by the way. I just get scared that it's going to be stupid or they're not going to care. I've learned that if someone is willing to give you another chance or even go out and eat with you and ask questions then they want to know. They want you to express yourself. After all, where would any of us be if people didn't tell their ideas and passions?

The thing is, always express who you are. Always let people know you care about them and always let your friends know they are treasured. Because I've mistakenly let some amazing friends walk out of my life and you never know when their or even your last day is.

May's Last Monday

In the late 1860's, many town spread across the states had begun tributes in the spring. Those tributes were for the fallen soldiers of the Civil War. These tributes gradually became known as Memorial Day and unlike today where we honor all soldiers, in the 1860's this tribute was solely for those who lost their live in the Civil War. It wasn't until World War One that the United States started honoring all of those who fell during all the wars on Memorial Day.

May 5, 1868 was the day General John A. Logan, the leader of an organization for Northern Civil War veterans, declared that May 30th would be used as the day to put flowers on the graves of the fallen. However, in 1968 Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act, which took effect in 1971. This act declared that the last Monday in May is Memorial Day and which, that created a three day weekend for federal employees. This act also declared Memorial Day to be a federal holiday.

Waterloo, New York was declared the official birthplace of Memorial Day in 1966. Waterloo first began the celebration on May 5, 1866 and it was declared the birthplace because of the fact it hosted a community wide event where businesses closed and everyone put flowers and flags upon the fallen's graves.

Remember, Memorial Day is meant to remember the ones who have fallen in battle and whether you like history or not, also remember "some gave all."

Journey Through Freedom

I always heard from my peers and the others around me say that "this is a free country; I have the freedom to say or do whatever I want." One question I always asked myself, 'What does freedom really mean?' Freedom can be defined in one simple word, independence. One can interpret that into saying that it makes you independent person if you can live by yourself. That may be true, but I use it in a way that's completely different. As Dave Workman stated, "Freedom isn't free." Although this quote was originally a song from an old movie, it is still true and can be said to describe our country even still today.

Freedom was important even when the first voyage to America took place. The pilgrims wanted to escape Great Britain for religious freedom. Once they got the religious freedom, they then wanted political independence, which stated before is a synonym for "freedom," we also win that fight. Yes, we got them through a war or battle but we got them and so, even back then we needed an army. Back then it was a cavalry or army but now we know them as the United States Armed Force's.

The five branches of the United States Armed Force's are what follows: Army, Marines, Navy, Air Force, and Coast Guard fight for freedom; either in the air, water, on the land, or all three. They fight and they stand for what the believe in and love. They risk their lives everyday, and some lost their lives, but Americans do not seem to realize what a big part they really play in keeping it. Armed Force's recruits work hard and do not receive the respect they deserve in doing so. They are well trained to do the best they can in order to protect the freedom and Jim Walsh states that, "The U.S. Armed Force's are the best trained, best equipped fighting forces in the world." 

Many countries must worry if they even have the money, willpower, and strength to even carry on through the night and day. We may not have the best economy or the best town and cities but, "Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty." quoted by former president John F. Kennedy, rings true. We as a nation, with the freedom that formed Armed Force's recruits achieved for the country they love, will stand up and fight to protect it. No matter the odds the United States of America will not stand down.

The veterans of this country have even more fear due to the fact that people doubt this land is free. They call this home, but yet veterans still do not get the respect they deserve for helping us get what we have today. Freedom for them does not just mean to get away from adult supervision or to be to play your music as loud as you want. It means to actually go outside and not worry about the government killing you or taking you away because you do not believe the same ways as them. That is what "freedom" is to them. "The price of freedom is eternal vigilance." This quote from Thomas Jefferson tells that it may be difficult for the veterans to just come home and be free.

Freedom is the standing point of our country and it will still be no matter what happens. Children of the future need to know who provides that freedom. It is not the president nor the ordinary people of this country. It was and still is the brave men and women of the United States Army, Coast Guard, Navy, and Marine Corps, they are the ones that fight, they are the ones who risk and have risked their lives. They are strong, brave, will powered, and amazing for standing together to fight for their home.

My views on veterans and soldiers will always be the same. It's like Father Dennis O' Brien once wrote, "It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not organizer, who gave us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag. And whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag." The soldier is the who who fought for our freedom long ago and the he or she who is still fighting today. No matter how long I live or the short time I have, I will not forget one simple word: "freedom!" 

A Time to Write

I'm going to start this off by telling that I've gotten some funny looks when people hear that my brother and I write each other letters. The recent experience was with a friend in which I have parted ways with. I had told him that I had received a letter from my brother who lives in North Carolina. The friend had look at as if I was a being from a different planet. Finally, he replied,
"Why don't you just call or text?"
I sighed, it wasn't the first time I've been quizzed on us writing letters, "Because letters are fun and more meaningful."
I was replied with a head shake that I could only take as a "whatever" and he had said something about how calling or texting is easier.

I agree, technology has made it easier and quicker to keep in touch with everyone, but that's just it. It's easy, it's fast. Yes, a text or phone call can have meaning, but hear me out...

Someone is sitting down with pen or pencil and paper. They are sitting there trying to think of the perfect words to physically write to you. Someone is taking the time to send you a letter in their handwriting. A letter you can keep for as long as you wish. You don't have to worry about a social media account or a computer or phone crashing.

Handwritten letters mean so much more than messages on a screen. We've let technology take away our sentiment and patience. If you want to write someone a letter, but you think it's silly or stupid, just write and send it; you could also hand deliver. I bet the recipients face will light up with joy because of the fact you took the time to write it.  The time to write, is now.

Miraculum: Object of Wonder

By definition, a miracle is basically an event that cannot be explained by science. I took this to social media. I asked my friends on Facebook what their own personal definition of the word "miracle" is. All of them said that a miracle is a gift from God.

A miracle is not just one thing. A miracle can be something simple like passing a test. It can also be something more complex like seeing a loved or or even yourself healed from cancer. My Facebook friends told me of the things they see as miracles. While most said their children and other members of family in their lives, healing of cancer or some other illness, I had a few say that the things of nature are miracles. I even had a few say technological advances in healthcare, friends, love, and life itself is miracle.

Personally, I can't really comment of the kids part. After all, I'm just a 22 year old, single girl, but from seeing and hearing of the many struggles of people trying to have children, I can agree with that just as I do all the other miracles my friends listed. One of the friends that responded said that the fact she is still alive is a miracle. I don't know the exact situation she was talking of, but it really hit home. It hit home because it made me remember that me being alive is a miracle as well. I remember being in a very dark place. A place so dark, I wouldn't want my worst enemy, if I was to have one, ever have to be there. I didn't want to see the next day, but I still kept fighting.

In that moment I realized that God giving me my second chance is a miracle He allowed me to have. I thought more about miracles He has given me and the list keeps getting longer. From a pet that helps my emotional breakdowns to rain. From a quote I read at just the right moment to my family. The presence of God and His miracles, His blessings, are everywhere.

Of course the greatest Miraculum (Latin of miracle, meaning "object of wonder") of all....is Jesus Christ. The man God sent to die on a cross for OUR sins. His son. I don't have children, but I wouldn't give up my only son to die for anyone, much less people who would possibly deny me. That's where God's miracle of love comes in. He loves each of us so much He would sacrifice that for us. Just with that fact I am more than willing to surrender and let God take charge of my life. I am ready to see what other miracles He has in my story book. Are you ready?

Through the Eyes of a Trucker's Daughter

Growing up, I always heard people talk about how my daddy jumped 

from job to job...but that’s because the only job I really remember him 

ever having is truck driving. It’s the one thing he ever really enjoyed 

doing. It’s the one thing he KNEW put food on our table and he could 

meet our needs. 

My mommy would be at home, missing him and because she cannot 

drive (that’s a different story), she’d be at home. She was the one to 

pay bills, get rides from family to go grocery shopping and to take 

my brother and I to doctors appointments. She done so many things. 

Daddy would be home every week to two weeks. Sometimes he’d be 

home the whole weekend, but sometimes only a few hours. We 

cherished those few hours or couple days. Even if we did spend it 

cleaning the truck and making sure he has what he’ll need for 

when he leaves out again. 

When he does leave again, I would watch my mama kiss him goodbye 

with tears in her eyes. I knew why she cried because I always missed 

him to. With those days he was gone he missed family events and other 

things. I’m sure to him he may feel bad about “missing” me and 

my brothers childhoods. But to us, to me, he made our childhoods. 

We still have memories with him and we cherish them. He made a 

sacrifice with a job he enjoyed doing and he knew would provide 

us with what we needed. 

I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t ask him to either. I personally 

think that it made us stronger as a family because it taught us to 

cherish and embrace the moments we spend together and that’s 

what’s important.

Unbroken (My Open Prayer)

Dear God,

You took Pawpaw away from me. How could you? How could you take away the only person I had? Don't you know what he means to me?

At least that's what I used to say, huh? God, I kind of know why. Because you needed him. You needed someone who would tell contradicting poems to the angels. I understand that. You also needed my family to feel that hurt.

God, I know I've stepped away and turned my back on you. I let the world have me and I ask you to forgive me. I ask you to cleanse my soul. Only you can.

The scars on my body are ugly reminders of my unfaithfulness, God. Will you fade them away? And please let me be washed in the blood of Jesus instead of my own. Please help continue tasting the bitterness of alcohol and not the sweetness that numbed my body.

Heavenly Father, I pray to you to also help my family. Not just the relationships I have with them, but also the ones they have with each other. Help them with each of their own sufferings and doubts. Help Nana and Melanie, Uncle Michael and RieRie, Amber and Cody, Aaron (God help him), Mommy and Daddy, Brother and Samantha. Even the distant family that I do not constantly talk to or about. You know their needs more than anyone. Dear God, if they need to know you and your son please allow them to open their hearts to you.

Dear God, I forgive the ones who have hurt me. If any them need your love, open their hearts as well.

God, Thank you for giving me my second chance. Thank you for putting your hand in the darkness and pulling me out. My life is your hands. I surrender to you. My walls are down, and God, thank you for making me unbroken.


In your Heavenly name,

~Amen.

A Second Chance

Before Pawpaw passed away I had God in my heart even when we weren't going to church. I was raised knowing what it's like walking in faith. That feeling grew when we started attending church every Sunday and Wednesday and even more when I accepted Christ as my savior. The weight of the world was off my shoulders. I was seeing so clearly. However, when I lost Pawpaw, that weight was back even heavier.

As everyone knows by now, I started self harming and eventually turned to alcohol. My back was turned against the light of God. I questioned my faith and questioned that there has to be more. After all, what loving God, loving father, would let His child hurt so much? I still ask this question, but I know the answer. He gives us trials to make us stronger, emotionally, but more importantly spiritually. He doesn't give us anything we can't handle.

As I'm walking down my path in God's light once again, I feel that weight lifting off. I will have my ups and downs, but my faith will remain. I even gave two friends a second chance, but I could hear God speak to me through my emotions and the words that were said, or rather unsaid. Every time I brought God up, I could feel tension and walls being put up. Those walls were on their side. I kept trying, but I got nowhere. I would have talked about God's grace and His word and just how great he is, but their walls kept coming between them and me, so to speak. I made the decision to say goodbye. Not because I don't want to be friends, but because I don't want people around me who I feel will put me back into questioning my faith.

I've seen my life with and without God. I've also seen my life with and "without" people to talk to. Now, I see my life as it truly is and truly should be. It's not a perfect life and I will have struggles, but I have God AND I do have people around me who care and who are here; who are proud of me for fighting my demons, for finding my faith. Honestly, I wouldn't change a thing because I know God gave me MY second chance and I'm not giving that up.

Into the Darkness and Back

Seven years ago my family lost a very important part of it. We lost a husband, daddy, pawpaw (what I called him). When he passed away our world crashed. Mine, completely fell apart. I hid the emotions the could but anger always seemed to slip out. I pushed away the few friends I had and I pushed away my family as a result of that. 

I let my hurt win. I turned my back on God. He was the one who took my hero away from me. He was the one who let me fall. Who hurt me and left me alone to face the world. I didn't care about anything else. Everything turned black and white. The color in the world was gone.

I started looking for more. More to life, to nature, to even God. I couldn't believe that one man done everything. Controlled everything. The only I didn't look for more of, is my emotions. Instead, I became numb. I lost my goals, my dreams, my everything. I lost what I supposed to be doing, what I was supposed to feel, and I lost who I was. I started cutting myself to feel anything. To see the color of blood. It was the only color I seemed to be able to see. 

Once I was out on my own and I made a few new friends, I started feeling everything at once. My depression and anxiety became obvious to me. I still cut. I still found distractions from the emotions I was feeling because I had gotten so used to feeling nothing but the burning of my cuts. Then I turned 21. The beginning of the alcohol numbness. I started to drinking on just the weekends, but then I wanted more and more. Even though I would still cry and get upset when I was drunk, I still wanted alcohol because I couldn't remember it until my friends told me the next morning. I didn't care due to the fact I wasn't actually feeling the emotions. The cutting became worse when I was drunk. I had become so reliant on cutting and alcohol.

The event I talked about in the last blog post and video happened and it was like the walls I had built were suddenly knocked down by an invisible source. My heart was wide open. In that moment, it was as if God's voice was reassuring me that He was still with me and that I needed to follow back into my faith. So, instead of ignoring the signs, this time, I listened to that voice. I talked to one of the friends I was with about I felt about everything. However, it didn't exactly go the way I planned. I know I talked about this in my last post but it is important to this story. Anyways, they had said that I was controlling and some other stuff. Those friends are no longer in my life. Ever since, I've been focusing on my family, myself, and God.

I soon realized that my faith disappeared when Pawpaw passed away. I was hurting and instead of clinging to the cross, I turned my back on it. I turned my back on the one thing that would have truly helped in that moment. When I was helping my grandmother move into her new apartment, I happened to glance down and I saw a little, silver cross lying in the floor of the almost empty living room. I was standing in the exact spot I was when my parents and I had gotten there seven years before when the hospital was rolling my pawpaw out. The same little cross I had given my pawpaw years before. I knew then, that I was finally finding my faith again and that I was finally making a right decision. 

I kept thinking about it and the more I though the more I noticed how I kept feeling less and less lonely. I then realized that God didn't really take Pawpaw away. He gave my family and I a way to always be near him.

You see, our memories are still here and Pawpaw's love is as well. Maybe if we're quiet and still enough we can hear his voice in the wind or feel his touch. Because now, he can be with us where ever we go, spiritually.

I also realized that even when I feel lonely, I'm not. I have God next to me and I have my family. They've been here the entire time. And I know that my family's love nor God's will ever fade away. 

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Click here to read my previous post and catch up.

Healing

I was told a while ago that when I start bettering myself, I will lose people. I finally see what that person meant because I have done just that. Events of the night before I lost some friends, opened my eyes. They opened my eyes to what I really needed. I realized that I didn't need to heal just mentally but also spiritually. I needed to heal my faith.

Those events happened less than a week ago of writing these words, but I can still feel a HUGE difference inside of me. I feel more at peace. I feel more happy. With these new emotions, I feel I also must do other things. Some more personal than others, but the first thing I feel I must do is...forgive.

I forgive any friends that have left. Especially the recent ones. I don't forgive you because you've asked for it; I forgive you because maybe you will start healing yourself.

I forgive anyone who has ever said or done anything that has hurt. Even if you have purposely hurt me, I still forgive you.

I forgive myself for turning my back on God and forgetting He is the only way to true happiness in my life. I forgive myself for all the scars left on my body and I forgive myself for every self-destructive act and thought.

The second thing I feel I must do is...give thanks. I thank those friends for the memories and for helping me with my growth. I thank my family for staying next to me and for trying to understand where I was. I thank myself for finally seeing the truth. I thank Craft Fair Games for helping me begin this journey.

I thank God, most of all. His hand was and is always there reaching through the darkness. He is the one that brought me to the friends and He gave me my family. He led me to Craft Fair Games which helped me get back into the things I love like writing and horror. He gave me my dog who I love so dearly.

Most importantly, He gave me and all of us, His son to die for our sins. He gave us our eternal life. I thank God for every experience. Even the hardships because they've made me stronger. Now, I'm ready to be back in His light and help it spread to every inch of darkness.

Link to YouTube video:https://youtu.be/OfGDFJlaUXc

Blood and Bottles

There is no denying that pain can make us do some things.

Whether it be to having breakdowns to drugs. I chose self-harming.

To be more specific, cutting. I have been open about it in the past,

but there is one thing I have not been open about.

Something more recent than cuts. Alcohol.

I’ve said in another post that I have stopped cutting. It has been

three weeks since the last time I cut, possibly a little longer.

However, my story doesn’t stop there. Like I said above,

I still run to the distraction of alcohol. Yes, when I sober up the

pain is still there, but this story still has a twist.

When I’m drunk, I get depressed and have emotional breakdowns.

I’ve even been known to self-harm during the breakdowns as well.

Thankfully, that hasn’t happened in a while.

I talk about all my problems and how I truly feel about them.

I open up about things I would never do while I’m sober.

The next day, I don’t really remember everything I have said.

I have become so reliant on all the things that just distract me

from everything. In reality, those problems are still there.

I am learning to trust my heart when it says I shouldn't do something.

I am also learning to trust my family and friends when they

say they care. I know it’s not going to be an easy path, but it’s a

path I am going to walk up. It’s a path I’m willing to, because

I know if I don’t I could lose everything that matters

the most to me.

People Change People

The first time I heard this phrase I was watching “Girl Meets World”

the cancelled Disney show, spin-off of “Boy Meets World.” I’m not

going to go into details about the show, but I am one episode.

Cory Matthews is now a teacher at his daughters, Riley, middle school.

In the episode a student asks him what the secret of life is, in which

he gave an unusual assignment, but at the end of the episode he says

that “there are many of them,” but the one he taught the students

is that people change people. That’s the one I want to focus on right now.

In order to do that, I have to tell a story.

I am what many call a “cutter” which means I harm myself by cutting into

my arms and legs (some people do it other places). I stopped for about

a year two years ago, but last year I started cutting again.

Then, I moved into a nicer apartment and start an antidepressant

(I’m not ashamed). The cutting stopped...until about two weeks ago.

I started cutting again. I hid it for a few days. Prior to me cutting again,

I had made a promise to three of my friends, two of which I still talk to.

I broke that promise. I didn’t want them to know. I told one, I’ve known

them since high school and she’s like my sister. I hid it from the other.  

I hid it from my parents.

A couple weeks ago my high school friend and one I met that day,

stayed over. I’ll be even more honest and say that I was drunk.

I ended up having an emotional breakdown. Everything about how

I was feeling came up. She ended up messaging the friend I was

hiding my cutting from (he wasn’t able to make it). He told her to tell

me to quit drinking and you know what? I did. I also ended up

pouring the alcohol that was left in my fridge down the drain the

next morning. Because if that’s what makes me like that,

I don’t need it nor do I want it.

Sadly the cutting continues. The next day, Sunday, my car broke down.

I was helping my daddy try to get out a part, I had to pull up my long

sleeve to keep from tearing my shirt, that’s how my parents found out. Today, I took a step forward, and I told the other friend.

The one who stopped my drinking that night. I was terrified and

to be honest, I still am. Their friendship means the world to me.

Theirs and my high school friends, but what they, the one who

stopped my drinking, said to me encouraged and is helping

me start my “recovery.” I don’t want to lose them from my life.

So, yeah, they’ve changed me. I know it’s not going to be an

easy road or a short one, but it’s road I'm going down.

I decided to go down this road because they told that they want to try

to stay away from stuff like I did. I am one of these people that if you

really care about someone and you really want them in your life,

you will do anything to keep them there, especially quit a bad habit.

Like my cutting. I will say this again, I don’t want to lose them or

my high school friend, not because of that. They mean something

to me and because of that I’m willing to stop my “bad habits.”

So, when it comes to the secret of life, people change people. I can

say that it’s true. I’m not sure if it’s really a secret, but for those of

you who don’t know, it’s possible.

Just take that step and start walking.

Oh, and I want to say thanks to the people who have stuck around.

I know you care, you’ve always cared. I was too blind to see it.

Promises

Even as an adult have had people ask me to promise I’ll do something

or to promise I won’t. I even ask people to make promises.

Usually it’s just keeping themselves safe, but that’s a different story.

The more I think about asking people to make promises, the more

I thought to myself, “why do I ask them to keep the promise?”

Promises are like a sacred thing. As a matter of fact,

you promise to love a person until death do you part when you

marry someone. You make that promise in front of the “eyes of God,”

but yet so many marriages end in divorce. Two best friends make

a promise to be “friends forever,” but yet the friendship does end in

many situations.

Maybe we ask each other to promise something because

we’re scared and we need that reassurance. Maybe we

do it to make ourselves feel better or maybe the other person. I stopped making

promises. I can’t let anyone down if I don’t promise them. Just like

nobody can let me down if they don’t promise me. If you feel like

you can’t keep a promise, don’t make one. That goes for any situation.

If you want to marry someone, then take them for better or worse,

until death do you part. Don’t make a promise of marriage because

you like the idea of getting married. If you have a best friend,

don’t promise to be friends forever, just be there. Prove that you’re

there for the long run.

Blessings

Recently, I’ve had many worries. I’ve had to go awhile without

my paycheck. I have been worried with bills, food for not

only myself but also my dog. I have worried if people care

about me. I have worried if I had true friends or not. Honestly,

my mind has just been everywhere and to be more honest it still is.

I have too many worries to list.

These worries Have made me forget about the many blessings I have

in my life. Even the things I don’t really think about are blessings.

From a roof being over my head to clothes on back even to a

phone I can use to connect with the people who care about me.

It’s not just the worries that distract me from my blessings. It is also

going out with friends or family. When I’ve went out with my friends

I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have someone there.

Some people have absolutely no one.

My worries and my distractions have out a filter over my blessings.

I have been wrapped in my worries that I forget I have people

there I can talk to, my distractions. The distractions make me forget

I have other blessings. However, some of those distractions

are blessings as well. I made a list of my blessings. Remember,

not all distractions are healthy ones. Some of them make you

forget who you truly are and your own beliefs. Look for the ones

that are right for you.

• Family
• My dog
• Food
• A home
• Friends? (Personal thing)
• Running Water
• Shoes
• Winter Clothes